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Chris_and_Leanne
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Joined: 08 Aug 2007
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I love stupid jokes like Trebs.... keep them coming 
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Holistic Therapist and Reiki Practioner, Burnley, UK. |
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Sat Aug 25, 2007 9:49 pm
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WantaVacation
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Joined: 27 Dec 2007
Posts: 48
Location: NA
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Fri Dec 28, 2007 11:51 pm
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Elle1971
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Joined: 04 Feb 2007
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Location: Lanzarote, Islas Canarias
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A cracking post - thanks for the giggles!
Elle xx
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"Who nicked the cork from my lunch?!" W.C. Fields |
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Thu Jan 03, 2008 11:11 pm
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WantaVacation
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OK Treble how 'bout an update from your initial post and question? How are you doing now since it has been a few months? Enquiring minds and all of that 
Lynda |
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Fri Jan 04, 2008 10:57 pm
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WantaVacation
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remember that some live vicariously  |
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Fri Jan 04, 2008 11:35 pm
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Treble99
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Joined: 14 Aug 2007
Posts: 641
Location: Garanana Tenerife
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| WantaVacation wrote: | | OK Treble how 'bout an update from your initial post and question? How are you doing now since it has been a few months? Enquiring minds and all of that |
Well Lynda I will tell you. I had such a good response from this thread. I was taken a back by the amount of ladies who wanted to date me. Then again, they were only human.
I did meet a girl, a big lady called Brenda and to be honest I think I fell in love with her. She wasnt much to look at but I loved her. I took her home to meet my parents. We walked in and my Dad stared at her in disbelief. He pulled me to one side and said, “whats that you have just walked in with son?”. I said “Dad I love her”. He whispered in my ear, “bloody hell son. She has got warts, body odur, brown teeth, greasy hair, boils, bad breath, goggly eyes and she must be at least 20 stone!” I said “theres no need to whisper dad, she´s deaf!”
Our first date was not good. I picked her up in my Datsun but she had to sit in the back because the passenger seat was broken and the back of it kept springing forward and she kept smashing her head on the windscreen. Mind you, it meant she had to sit with her packed lunch on the back seat and she seemed happy to be sat with it. The rest of her packed lunch was in the boot and the trailor.
We drove for hours through the country side talking about milkshakes and how I made sure that mine were the best McDonalds ever sold. She even commented on my new tank top with a picture of Bill Odie on it. My conversation about this and my tea towel collection really put her at ease. I know this because she soon fell asleep. This was a blessing for me because it gave me the opportunity to open the window and let some fresh air in to my datsun. To be honest, she didnt like the windows open because it blew her hair around and if she opened her mouth and the breeze got in, her dentures ended up in the fast lane. Mind you after she had polished off a bottle of pickled eggs I really had no choice.
We were going to the opera in the evening. Like I said she was a big lady, well very fat if the truth be known, and it was a tad embarrassing when, after the performance no one would leave until SHE sang.
However, like I have said, I loved her.
Brenda had a massive mouth as well. We were at a party one night and she was wearing this red dress and people started putting letters in her gob. After this, I thought I would take her away on holiday so we could spend special time together and, I thought, if I played my cards right we could have some nookie for the first time.
So i traded in my datsun (i didnt get much for it, mind you it didnt have a windscreen after Bren insisted in sitting in the front one night when I was taking her strange shape turnip carving). I bought a super fast car. The car was so fast I was always 3 months behind on my re payments.
We were thrashing up the A1 towards York when I got pulled over by the Police. This copper said to me “one of your back lights is out!”. I said “sod that, wheres my caravan?”. A few miles later I pulled into a petrol station. It was a windy night and as I was putting petrol in the car, a bit of it blew onto my shirt sleeve. I got back in the car, Bren passed me a ciggy and WHOOSSSSHHH. My arm went up in smoke. I screamed “what shall I do?” She replied “wave your arm out of the window” I did this and soon got stopped by another Policeman. He rolled me around on the grass verge, put the fire out and then said “your under arrest”. I said “what for?” He replied “for being in possession of a fire arm”.
We finally got to the hotel and then it went down hill. She started to moan and nag and she wasnt happy. To make it worse, she was an Essex girl and when they winge, they winge. I thought she was educated when one night she was talking about wines. I said “whats your favorite wine” She said “I wanna go to lakeside”. Apparently, her boyfriend before me was making love to her one night and he caught his big toe in her ankle chain and she flushed.
I digress. We walked into the hotel and she started. “What a dump” she screamed. “Why have you bought me to a dump like this. Theres graffiti on the wall, no bathroom, and you cant swing a cat in here”. I said “darling, were in the lift!”
That night at 7, there was a knock at the door. Bren opened it to be greeted by a chamber maid. “Good evening madam” she said, “would you like me to turn your bed down?” Bren replied, “you may as well love, every one else does”. What a classy bird she was eh?
I bought Bren 2 things to try and spice up our first night together. I got her a gourgeous, sexy see through nighty and a “lady pleasurer”. What a waste of money that was. When she put her nighty on you could see everything threw it, her jeans, t shirt etc. When she first used her lady pleasurer she knocked all her teeth out. I mentioned she was a big girl. Well, I climbed over her to get out of bed and burnt my bum on the light bulb. I caught her cooking breakfast in her slippers the next morning so had to go out to buy her a frying pan.
By now I had realised Bren was not the woman for me. I could not hold a conversation with her, I never knew if she was listening to me. Due to her goggle eyes, I never knew if she was paying attention to me or looking to see if the bus was coming.
I will let you all know how the end came about with me and Bren later. I have bought a Bill Odie DVD box set today and want to watch some of it before my coco is ready. 
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Treble99
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Fri Feb 01, 2008 10:34 pm
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Elle1971
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Joined: 04 Feb 2007
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Location: Lanzarote, Islas Canarias
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I've just read this out loud to hubby.... and I'm roaring with laughter here!
Can't wait for the next installment!!!
Elle xx
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"Who nicked the cork from my lunch?!" W.C. Fields |
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Fri Feb 01, 2008 11:24 pm
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Dianne
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Joined: 07 Aug 2007
Posts: 648
Location: Bonnie Scotland
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 WOW treb What a lady.........
let us all know how it progresses........
cant wait for the next part you certainly know how to treat a lady........
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im back in Tenerife soon........ yepeeeeeeeee  |
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Fri Feb 01, 2008 11:32 pm
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Treble99
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Joined: 14 Aug 2007
Posts: 641
Location: Garanana Tenerife
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| Elle1971 wrote: | | I've just read this out loud to hubby.... and I'm roaring with laughter here! |
I tell you Ellie, its no joke. Looking back, she reminds me of that woman from the program the she devil, but Bren was even uglier. 
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Treble99
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Fri Feb 01, 2008 11:37 pm
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Treble99
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Joined: 14 Aug 2007
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Location: Garanana Tenerife
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My worst experiance was when she wet the bed on our first night together. The next night she said "where do you want to sleep tonight?"
I said, "The shallow end"
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Treble99
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Fri Feb 01, 2008 11:40 pm
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Elle1971
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Joined: 04 Feb 2007
Posts: 177
Location: Lanzarote, Islas Canarias
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| Treble99 wrote: | My worst experiance was when she wet the bed on our first night together. The next night she said "where do you want to sleep tonight?"
I said, "The shallow end" |
Oh my! Brings a whole new meaning to "wet dreams"
I'm very glad that you have seen your errors.
So tell us Trebs... do you have a new lady on the horizon?
Elle xx
PS: I remember "She Devil". Does that make us old? I also read tonight that "Nine and a half weeks" was in 1987!!! Jesus - that's 21 years ago - and I still think it's ace!
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"Who nicked the cork from my lunch?!" W.C. Fields |
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Sat Feb 02, 2008 1:05 am
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Chris_and_Leanne
Supreme Reefer
Joined: 08 Aug 2007
Posts: 1951
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Your Crazy does this lady live in Skipton then ?
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www.secretgardenholistics.com
Holistic Therapist and Reiki Practioner, Burnley, UK. |
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Sat Feb 02, 2008 2:43 pm
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Treble99
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Joined: 14 Aug 2007
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Location: Garanana Tenerife
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| Chris_and_Leanne wrote: | | Your Crazy does this lady live in Skipton then ? |
Sort of. She was so fat she lived in Skipton and Keighly at the same time.
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Treble99
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Sat Feb 02, 2008 2:54 pm
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Chris_and_Leanne
Supreme Reefer
Joined: 08 Aug 2007
Posts: 1951
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lol check my new post out pics of sunny Burnley I bet your really miss it ha ha
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www.secretgardenholistics.com
Holistic Therapist and Reiki Practioner, Burnley, UK. |
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Sat Feb 02, 2008 3:04 pm
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margaretbl
Supreme Reefer
Joined: 01 Mar 2007
Posts: 3600
Location: south tyneside
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God Trebs Where do you get them from, roll on the next installment 
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Failures don't plan to fail, they fail to plan
(Harvey Mackay) |
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Sun Feb 03, 2008 11:43 am
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